Hello Furfilise

by J. Tan

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Haunting Thoughts That Went Through My Mind In The Shower

Saturday, August 20, 2016
Every morning, I apply tons of makeup on my face and wear carefully picked out clothes. The only time I actually have a good look at myself is when I am in the bathroom. Without makeup to cover up that blemish and no clothes to hide the fat body, the mirror becomes my worse enemy. The mirror reflects back the ugliness of my true image, pimples on my face and the excess fats bulging out from my body. I felt truly disgusted.
Who is that girl? After concealing myself with makeup and clothes for so long, I no longer recognise who I am anymore. Without the mask I put on every morning, I am lost. Truly lost. With makeup as my mask and fashion as my armour, they sheltered me against the harsh world. A mask I put on to show the world; a smile I force upon my face. An armour layered with pride; a confident look I wish to portray. All of which, are fake.
I guess it’s both a blessing and a curse at the same time. Makeup and clothes certainly increase my confidence level. All these years, makeup and clothes have subconsciously made me live in denial, causing me to lose my identity as a normal person; a person with flaws.
Those times when I am in the bathroom, naked and alone, I can truly be who I am, that imperfect girl. A simple girl who wishes to be herself and happy. Is that too much to wish for? These moments of solitude give me time to reflect how the world defines beauty and fashion, and how these definitions have affected me. Is being perfect really necessary? Why am I not satisfied with who am I? On the inside, as well as on the outside. Appearance matters to a certain extent but it is taking a toll on my wallet and my mental health.
As I step into the shower, turning the tap, the deafening silence is replaced with the sound of splashing water. It wakes me up from the role I partake during the day, turning me back to my original self. This is the moment I usually break down, every single freaking day. I bury my face in my hands as I pour my heart out, bawling with tears. The running water serves as a distraction, making my cries inaudible to the outside. No one is aware of what’s going on inside the shower. No one needs to know. Just me, alone, is enough. I calm myself down and turn off the tap. I stand and watch the remaining water flow down the drain, along with my tears and sorrows. Each time I tell myself, “It will be alright. I am a survivor, a warrior.” Yet every time, I doubt my own words.
Living up to people’s expectations is difficult, yet we crave for their acceptance. Like a vicious cycle, we keep wanting more. However, the most difficult obstacle (person) to pass through is me. The shame and embarrassment I feel all the time creates a huge weight on my chest, making me depressed and feeling unloved. I wonder how long more can I act as though nothing is wrong? How long more can I stand my imperfections and myself?
I spent a lifetime chasing after things with little significance and was I ever happy? The answer is no. Beauty fades away with time and fashion comes and goes. So then, what truly matters? How can I save myself from all the mental torment? I beg you to tell me.
Till then.

Fisheye III

Tuesday, August 16, 2016
The down side of using a film camera is that is requires a longer time to actually see the images. This roll of film has been with me since a year ago—took me ages but I finally finished it so let's get started, shall we? In sequential order, I will be penning down caption for each photo.

A trip down to Gelyang Serai Night Bazaar dressed in couple tops. Went back to TP for the amazing western food. Finally a meet up with my bunch of secondary friends. A healthy and active cycling trip at Pulua Ubin, where the quarry will always be my favourite scenery. The long awaited house warming that comes with a round of mahjong and ridiculous Taiwanness drama. Simple brunch session with my favourite fishes. Farewell dinner for all of us from HQ. A rock climbing session that wasn't productive at all because admiring the professionals were much more enjoyable. Tacos for dinner with people who shared the same love for writing. First time trying out vegetarian Korean steamboat, followed by an impromptu clubbing session. Lunch with my favorite girls and spot the one who inspired me to be more serious in my religion.