Haunting Thoughts That Went Through My Mind In The Shower | #ThoughtPost

Saturday, August 20, 2016
Every morning, I apply tons of makeup on my face and wear carefully picked out clothes. The only time I actually have a good look at myself is when I am in the bathroom. Without makeup to cover up that blemish and no clothes to hide the fat body, the mirror becomes my worse enemy. The mirror reflects back the ugliness of my true image, pimples on my face and the excess fats bulging out from my body. I felt truly disgusted.
Who is that girl? After concealing myself with makeup and clothes for so long, I no longer recognise who I am anymore. Without the mask I put on every morning, I am lost. Truly lost. With makeup as my mask and fashion as my armour, they sheltered me against the harsh world. A mask I put on to show the world; a smile I force upon my face. An armour layered with pride; a confident look I wish to portray. All of which, are fake.
I guess it’s both a blessing and a curse at the same time. Makeup and clothes certainly increase my confidence level. All these years, makeup and clothes have subconsciously made me live in denial, causing me to lose my identity as a normal person; a person with flaws.
Those times when I am in the bathroom, naked and alone, I can truly be who I am, that imperfect girl. A simple girl who wishes to be herself and happy. Is that too much to wish for? These moments of solitude give me time to reflect how the world defines beauty and fashion, and how these definitions have affected me. Is being perfect really necessary? Why am I not satisfied with who am I? On the inside, as well as on the outside. Appearance matters to a certain extent but it is taking a toll on my wallet and my mental health.
As I step into the shower, turning the tap, the deafening silence is replaced with the sound of splashing water. It wakes me up from the role I partake during the day, turning me back to my original self. This is the moment I usually break down, every single freaking day. I bury my face in my hands as I pour my heart out, bawling with tears. The running water serves as a distraction, making my cries inaudible to the outside. No one is aware of what’s going on inside the shower. No one needs to know. Just me, alone, is enough. I calm myself down and turn off the tap. I stand and watch the remaining water flow down the drain, along with my tears and sorrows. Each time I tell myself, “It will be alright. I am a survivor, a warrior.” Yet every time, I doubt my own words.
Living up to people’s expectations is difficult, yet we crave for their acceptance. Like a vicious cycle, we keep wanting more. However, the most difficult obstacle (person) to pass through is me. The shame and embarrassment I feel all the time creates a huge weight on my chest, making me depressed and feeling unloved. I wonder how long more can I act as though nothing is wrong? How long more can I stand my imperfections and myself?
I spent a lifetime chasing after things with little significance and was I ever happy? The answer is no. Beauty fades away with time and fashion comes and goes. So then, what truly matters? How can I save myself from all the mental torment? I beg you to tell me.
Till then.